I’ve been quiet online lately, not done so much drawing, and I just wanted to talk about why.
After years of pain I have finally managed to return to work, a perfect job opportunity came up, and I – despite being incredibly nervous – decided to go for it.
It’s been good, I’m enjoying it. I work with an excellent team, and I feel like I’m doing ok with that actual work.
The unfortunate consequence of it though is that it’s left me with less spoons to spend on my blogging and my artwork. I have to admit, I am struggling with that. I know it’s the way it has to be, and I definitely wouldn’t like to return to being unable to work, but it does make me sad that I have to choose.
Over the years, and especially since I found out the hypermobility is causing my pain, I’ve found ways of managing it. Of rationing spoons. It had got to a point where I could, almost, ignore the limitations as I was so used to operating inside of them.
It’s easy to feel like you have no limits when you never go near them.
I’m having to confront them again now, and it’s hard on me emotionally.
I’ve also realised that I’ve created a safe little cocoon for myself via social media, as I have had little actual social contact in the past few years (travel isn’t easy obviously) I’ve instead spent more time surrounded by fellow spoonies. To the point where I’d forgotten that other people can, and do, go out regularly and with no thought to paying for it after – aside from hangovers, which are simple to avoid by just not drinking so much.
I’m hoping that over time I will find new ways to conserve spoons, so that I can spend more time on my art and blogging again. In the meantime I need to try not to be so hard on myself for not being able to do all that I want to, or all the others can. I am sad that the things I love and gain most from are the ones that I’m forced to cut down on. But this is the life of a spoonie, with limited spoons I have to spend them on the essentials first.
I’d give anything to have a body that works right, but I can’t change it, so I need to learn to live with it all over again.